Full Steam Ahead....

For most New Years Eve is about looking back...remembering what was in the year past...good, bad, exciting, and toilsome. For whatever reason, I can't look back. It's not that I don't count my adventures in the year before to be valuable...but my heart does not lie in the previous year. My heart lies ahead, in the journey before me. Looking back, for me, occurs in a brief second before I move on. Some attribute this to a gypsy heart or an impatient mind...I attribute this to hope. No matter how realistic or cynical I become in my years I still believe in the ability to dream, to hope.

Like every hopeful person I have things I want to accomplish in the new year. Some time ago I quit making resolutions and changed my language to "goals" for the new year....inside I know it's the same thing, but the language is different and for whatever reason it's different. The word goal implies a working process, something not yet obtained. Resolution imply something that is already changed. No matter how much hope I have in the new year, I know I am not that resolute.

A new year before me offers a fresh start, a new beginning, a chapter in my life that is unwritten....moments to discover, emotions to feel, problems to solve, a new adventure waiting.....I love the feeling of new.

My goals for the new adventure that awaits me:

1. To enjoy the moments that I am in, in the present. (this tends to be difficult for us dreamers and future dwellers)

2. To laugh more (this, in part, requires my friends to be more funny) ;)

3. To take it step by step (again, something difficult for me...I tend to excel in taking it all on at once)

4. To listen for God's voice in my everyday (His voice tends to be quiet and easily missed. I long to hear it in my everyday experiences, daily to-do's)

5. To take time for myself...preferably at the gym (yes, this includes the ever so popular "lose weight"...but this is more than that. I tend to work non-stop and never take a break...I need to break more)

6. Start a dream journal (not a journal filled with my night-time dreams, but the dreams in my soul that keep me awake at night....I need to write these downs, maybe I will do that here...maybe not)

7. Dream irresponsibly. (Because not dreaming seems more irresponsible)

8. Dance, sing, and smile...just because I can.

9. Look for true beauty in the moment

10. Live the life I dream about...be the person I admire....love the way God does (I will spend the rest of my life trying to achieve this one)

So here's to 2011! Full steam ahead.

are we there yet?

Right about now is the time of the semester that my motivation wanes and I begin to sound like the 4 year old in the back of the car on the longest road trip ever..."are we there yet?"..."are we there, now?"..."uuuggghh, how about now?"

Routinely, the answer I get in return is..."not yet".

Not fair. Three more finals to go and my neurons are already moving on to the next big adventure. I am over this semester.

This morning in the shower I was contemplating this trait of mine...to be over a task before the task is over...(no judging, yes, I do all of my best thinking in the shower, I don't have a good reason why--so if I ever say, "This morning I was in the shower, and I thought of you..."--don't get excited...its just quiet and I was probably making my shopping list at the same time....moving right along...

So back to this issue of mine. Inpatient? Maybe. Short attention span? Probably. Bored? Most definitely.

My thoughts wound their way around till I got to this place...it is in these moments that God reminds me that I am just not there yet. In these moments God reminds me it is process and accomplishments, both professional and spiritual, are made in small moments.

UGH. yep. that's my response. at least initially it was. a big huge fat...UUGH. in response to my God given revelation (just being honest).

With shampoo in my hair my brain kept firing away at this question...is it normal to be over a task before the task is over? I rolled this question around in my head. By this time my daughter has her nose pushed against the shower door saying, "good morning mama! I can see you!" This announcement shook me back to reality, although I was still pouting.

"but I want to be there!" my soul whined, complete with a foot stomp...."not yet" God replied. I was considering a full out temper tantrum when...

like a sound of the hallelujah chorus in my bathroom, the question bounced around my skull..."once I am there, will I be there? will I be done?"

I wanted to hop out of the shower and run into the kitchen and announce my revelation...but alas, I was still standing there with soap in my hair because I had gotten sidetracked...the story of my life. So I rinsed and finished up and got out of the shower content with my answer.

Simply put, "no"....I am not there yet. Because moments like this all I can see is the end of my semester and the dreams that only exist in my minds eye...but when I finish this semester, there will be another one. And when I finish that one, graduate school awaits me. And when I finish that....the adventure continues. The point my brain rested on was this...."no, when I get there, I will not be there. I will not be done because there will be another destination behind it." 

So, with that....I will keep on...because, quite frankly: I am just not there yet. In so many areas. 

superwoman is a myth.....right?

I am sitting at my computer, getting ready to study for finals. I look around and the laundry is mounting up, the floor needs to be mopped, Christmas tree has lights--I haven't gotten around to the decorations yet. Things are tossed around, evidence of a family in a hurry. 

Sometimes I wonder if Superwoman really exists. As little girls we are told we can do everything and anything...but they don't tell us how hard it is going to be to do it all. My family helps--everyone pitches in. But still, that balance...that zen....everything has its place, every place has its thing--its non existent. No matter how liberated I feel I am as a woman, something inside me cringes when I see my husband searching through the endless laundry basket looking for a matching sock, or my daughter reminds me that I forgot to pack her a snack for school....again. 

They never tell you about the struggle of balance. The constant give and take, that somethings take a lower priority--like folding laundry Monday through Friday. I remember growing up my mom would have the house clean and her makeup on fresh before dad got home. That makes me laugh just thinking about it.....seriously? The scene now is shuffling kids from car to car, trying to make it to ballet from gymnastics carrying my work bag with reviews to work through outside the dance studio while he is at home working through second grade homework and starting dinner. Survival is the name of the game, and in this world it takes two. 

So if I know that working in tandem with my guy is the best case scenario--the closest idea of perfection that one can get to in this world--why do I feel so guilty that my house is trashed and I am holed up in my office working? I feel almost as if history has warped the view of femininity and this generation of women who seek to do it all and be it all are trying desperately to unravel what was tangled before us. Our grandmothers were stay-at home mom's and perfect housewives--our mothers were working mom's with latchkey kids, and we are somewhere in between--trying to mold the two scenes into reality. Does it exist--The perfect homeroom mom, whose house is clean, car is clean, life is organized, laundry folded and put away, whose career is skyrocketing pass the glass ceiling, and whose family life is well-functioning? 

..........Does superwoman exist? 

Count Your Blessings...

When I was younger and I would start to complain my Dad would always say, "count your blessings, name them one by one...you will see how much you have." Now that I am older I am overwhelmed by the intensity of the gifts that surround me...my heart feels as if it may explode with gratitude for all of the blessings I enjoy, that I don't necessarily deserve. 

Like my husband...my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my constant, my safe spot in this world. He is an amazing partner in life and an amazing father to our girls. My two daughters fill my life and heart with a joy unspeakable..they challenge me, grow me, and force me to slow down and realize this moment is fleeting. My home...small and humble, and at times cramped...but warm and inviting, sturdy and mine. My sister who constantly reminds me of God's creativity and sense of adventure--she makes me laugh and gets my incomplete sentences and my need for Starbucks. My brother, he's always good for a common sense talk that brings back to the atmosphere. My sweet friend, she's always good for a kick in the butt if needed and a glass of Sangria...and she doesn't mind it when I totally interrupt her mid-sentence, and understands that I am a tad bit moody. My life as a student...I am blessed beyond compare to wake up every morning and pursue the life God created me to live...I am constantly challenged and encouraged by those in academics who have pushed me to grow and exceed my own expectations, for this my heart is humbled. My list goes on and on...family and friends, opportunities and challenges alike...

My life is filled with people who love me, who look at me and see the best in me. I am humbled at the overwhelming gifts in my life...the amazing people who allow me to sit front row in their life, who allow me to play a role in their story...each of you are the greatest gifts...

There's Using...Then There's Abusing

The ethics of America. A new article on the usage of stimulants was released today--but not the usage by ADHD diagnosed, rather the usage by non ADHD individuals looking to amp up their brain function.

The thinking behind this idea is simple: if stimulant meds allow a person with ADD/ADHD to operate "normal" then they should allow a "normal" person to be superhuman. Some are asking, "Is performance enhancement restricted only to practice makes perfect?"

We live in a nation of convenience. The easier, the faster, the less personal sacrificed required--the better the idea. We have built empires on quick and easy. Why wouldn't our pharmaceutical companies pick up on this? If they hadn't I would suggest they create a better research/marketing team...but alas...they have indeed followed our hunger for convenience. So it makes sense that we would consider making Adderall cocktails available for those looking to be superhuman. Drugs like this line the pockets of pharmaceutical fat cats and we believe we can fly. Seems like a win-win. Or is it?

Can we manipulate science to enhance what is not maladaptive? Should we even try?

(Read article at: http://bigthink.com/ideas/24201 by Max Miller)

ADHD Awareness Week

I received an email earlier this week announcing this week was "ADHD awareness week". The email encouraged me to "celebrate my ADHD and find someone to educate about ADHD". As I was reading this email I was driving down the interstate at warp speed because I was late. Not late because I overslept..late because as I woke up so early that I just knew I had plenty of time to edit that paper before leaving, check my email, and load the dishwasher...turns out I didn't, and then I couldn't find my keys....

Celebrate my ADHD. I almost laughed, well...that shouldn't be too difficult.

I told my oldest daughter, C (who is also ADHD) and she responded...are we supposed to wear a ribbon? you know, if I celebrate my ADHD at school....the principle might call you....Nevermind. This sent me into a deep thought process....do we have a ribbon? if we did have a ribbon, could we commit long-term to a color? Would people know what the ribbon was for? If I wore the ribbon would I get those tilted heads that said "oh..I am so sorry, that must be so difficult"?

Turns out...us ADHD people are represented by a color--the color orange. Why orange? Beats me.
Orange is the color of construction zones, prison jump suits, and caution flags. The ribbon is shared with animal protection awareness and self-injury awareness among others. According to google search for the meaning of the color of orange it means: vitality with endurance and the color stimulates appetite and energy....hmmm...interesting.

So in honor of those ADHD brains out there...here's to you: (and for those of you who are not ADHD...read and be amazed....)

*Huh? or I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.... are frequent phrases you say
* you really hate talking on the phone because it is way to easy for you to lose the conversation and to actually listen takes too much effort
* you get out of the shower and you aren't sure if you actually washed your hair
* you make a phone call...and before the other person answers...you forget who your calling and why
* you show up at your doctor's appointment on time (you are so proud)---only for the receptionist to tell you the appointment is tomorrow...or worse it was yesterday and you missed it
* You write post-it notes...and you loose post-it notes.
* Your kid asks for juice or a snack three times before they give up and gets it themselves. In your defense...you have walked into the kitchen all 3 times to get what they want---only to forget why you are in there and turn around and leave
* You sit in your college class, listening to your professor and find yourself counting how many times he/she says "okay"--literally keeping count on your paper instead of taking notes
* You are talking to your spouse, parent, friend and right in the middle of your sentence you just.................
* Your drying machine makes the same sound every time it finishes drying...and every time you think, "ice cream truck!"
* The very nature of housework goes against every fiber of your entire being...but you operate best when everything has its place---ironic
*Even though your diagnosed ADHD...you secretly think that it's everyone else who is a little "off"---I mean really, who wants to be "normal"?
* You feel like you embody irony in every sense of the word: you are outgoing--yet shy, you are a risk taker--yet insecure, you talk too much---but don't say nearly everything on your mind (for fear of what people would say), you have huge dreams---but details drag you down
* You think in terms of linked thoughts...one thought leading you to another...to another...to another...and none of them are particularly related...except for that one word
* There is a person that you see frequently and for the life of you--you can't remember their name...so you wait for someone else to call it and you just avoid it calling it until then. (ADHDers...you know you do this)

I could go on...but I will save it for another post. Just know, although I don't have a ribbon...I am letting my ADHD flag fly with pride. And for those who aren't ADHD...yeah...we think we're cooler than you.

The Flip Side of ADHD

It is no secret that I am a lab rat. I love the process of research. Given a topic of interest my curiosity races ahead of me and I become a hermit. I pull information from scholar search banks, published journals, and the most random remote areas to piece together a puzzle--then I get to go out and test my idea. I get to ask the question: am I wrong? Absolute thrill of a lifetime is to find out that I am indeed right...or...that I am wrong and I have discovered something entirely new. Ooooh to be that researcher!

ADHD, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, is a one of my research passions. I do not share the opinion of most of my clinical counterparts that every part of this "disorder" is evil. I know the stats, the data, the life outcomes, the information on medication, performance, scholastic achievement, depression and overall impairments of ADHD. I live behind stacks of studies on my desk detailing every one of these impairments. Yet, I still believe that ADHD can be a conduit of many, many advantages: Creativity, risk taking, ingenuity, charisma, perseverance, hyper-focus, resilience, observant, the ability to make complex ideas simple, the ability to piece together fast moving theories and multi-task like nobody's business.

Why would I think this way? Especially considering the countless details of information that tell me otherwise. Because I am ADHD. And as an ADHD woman, mother, wife, student, and researcher, I have learned that there are countless ways to do things....and then there is a way that lends to creativity, perseverance, and multidimensional thinking...I prefer that way. I came across this article: ADD in the corner office: Five Top executives discovered that an LD can be a capitalist tool. This article shares the story of five execs who prove that limitations are often in the eye of beholder:

"If someone told me you could be normal or you could continue to have your ADD, I would take ADD....I'm afraid of taking drugs, blowing a circuit, and then being like the rest of you...I knew I had strengths that other people didn't have, and my parents reminded me of them when my teachers didn't seem them....I can distill complicated facts and come up with simple solutions. I can look out on a industry with all kinds of problems and say, 'How can I do this better?' My ADD brain naturally searches for better ways of doing things." (www.greatschools.org)

I am in the midst of my newest research endeavor. I am dreaming up constructs and methods of research. I am reading about all the ways those before me have tried. Statistics show that a child with ADHD is lucky to make it out of school without failing a grade--but my history tells me that a girl with undiagnosed ADHD can graduate in the top ten of her high school class, honors in college, and now what?? The sky is my only limit--regardless of the statistics.

Even with all of the challenges and the cross eyed looks I get when someone in my field finds out I am ADHD...given the chance to be normal or ADHD...I will take my ADHD any day of the week.

www.greatschools.org article quoted by: Louis Gilman, ADDitude Magazine

Does ACME gadgets have online ordering?

Process is my least favorite word in the English Language. Why? Because processes are often tedious and repetitious. Life is full of processes: relationships, growing up, parenthood, pregnancy, spiritual growth, financial/business growth, health, retirement. Processes are often one step forward--two steps back, rarely are they immediate and painless. They are not ever 100% engaging, 100% of the time...often there are stagnant moments that seem like boredom. However, the truth about processes is: that one can not accomplish anything of worth without walking through some kind of process.

Ironically, my favorite word in the English Language is Impossible. I long to achieve the impossible. I dream big and without boundaries. I can't function when I am not pursuing a large dream. Yet, no one can achieve the impossible without a process. I know this, and even still, I detest the red tape procedures, personal hang ups, and unyielding trial-and-error attempts that processes require...even if I know they can lead to greatness.

I would like to blame my intolerance of life processes on my ADHD. However, I know that it is probably more nurtured by my drive to dream. I was born to dream of the unknown. I approach every opportunity with a "this is going to be the one" attitude. I probably resemble the coyote...who, driven by his hunger to capture the roadrunner, approaches every ACME gadget with a sure-fire confidence. Only to run at top speed over the nearest cliff, hanging in the air for a moment to reflect in his failure, and then plummeting.

This week has been the fullest 5 days of life. I have started the last leg of a process that I started a while ago---almost done with my degree. I have been met with opportunities like no other--and I am honored to approach them with my famous "this might be the one" attitude. I have had victories and "super-woman" moments. But I have hit walls too. The kind that don't move or crumble upon impact. The kind that require more work, more sacrifice, more persistence, more resilience, more creativity, and more prayer. And the truth is...all the extra the barricades require, right now, I am not sure I have. I want to be done with the process.

It's funny. In the joy of pursuit of the impossible, the pain of the process is what is often remembered more than the taste of the success. Is this what pushes us dreamers towards the next dream? Or is this memory what allows us to appreciate the impossible all the more? Maybe the struggle is what makes the success so sweet?

Tonight I am the coyote...researching and placing my order for the next ACME gadget. The great thing is I am ADHD and by tomorrow my interest with the wall will have faded and I will know, just know, that this plan is the one that's gonna get my impossible. I will get up and get to work. That's what us coyotes do...

banana boxes, bubble wrap, and life lessons.....

I think, at times, that the life lessons that mean the most come from the most unexpected places, at the most unprepared moments. This weekend, amidst the hauling and lugging, pulling and pushing, the cleaning and organizing, money spent and time sacrificed..behind a stack of banana boxes and bubble wrap I was reminded of a few lessons.

First, I was reminded that family isn't defined by blood lines. Family are those people in your world who seek to know your real heart. They are the people who are cheering the loudest...even when you are in last place. It is these people who count it pure joy to walk through life with you--the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Second, I was reminded that family is the first place we learn true humility. Where else are we given the pleasure of living amongst assumptions, misunderstandings, and opinions and then given the challenge of loving the person in return?

Third, I was reminded that every person has their own process in life. It is a continual challenge for me to remember that processes are often slow and painful, rarely immediate, and subject to change per individual.

Finally, I was reminded that when it comes to family...I am richly blessed. I am proud of where I have come from. I watched this weekend as friends and family alike gathered to do a less than desirable chore and I found myself taken by the amount of blessings surrounding me. Laughter, sweat, a few tears, and hard work...all for what? Because one of ours needed help. Yes, I can say I am proud of where I come from. And looking ahead to the family I became a part of when I married...I am proud of where I am going.

These people that I am proud to call family (no blood line required)--they are extensions of God's heart in my world. They challenge me, make me laugh, make me cry, and I know from experience...when life crashes in on us and it gets too hard to walk...they have been known to carry us until we regain strength. These individuals expect greatness, they demand character and integrity and they only know how to love sacrificially. They have taught me that humility isn't in naming your faults--it is in giving of yourself.

Tonight, I am humbled that God would give me such an amazing blessing as these people in my life. I am overwhelmed at knowing that these people don't just love my little family...they thank God for us. I am moved to tears to know that when I lay down to sleep tonight, God has blessed me with people that are willing to walk this crazy, upside down, sometimes backwards, chaotic, always full life!

Who am I to be given such a gift?

Let the Adventure Begin......

This blog was started as a school project--an attempt to get to those biases and prejudices we hide. The project was finished with the completion of the Spring 2010 semester (and for those of who are wondering...I got an A+). Thank you to those who walked that journey with me.

Now...I am moving on with a new journey. I have thought long and hard about the idea of blogging. In all honesty, I have zero time to keep up with this. And for those who know me well...I detest the idea of being vunerable to the mass majority. But...at the same time...I have thoughts swimming that need an exit point and at times my heart bubbles over with an enormous amount of joy and graditude that I need a way to express it all. So here it is. What started as a project to dig deeper will now become a window to my world. A new adventure begins...

Final Thoughts....

This is my final entry for this project.

I started looking for resolution to a stereotype of churches and Christianity that I hold. A belief system that I operate from that tells me churches are institutions and Christians are fake. This has been a two week journey....I have walked down memory lane, traveled into forgiveness, anger, explored humility, sought a common ground in the Bible....I looked for proof in the mainstream that something...anything really that told me my stereotype was wrong, I found encouragement from an atheist, and I cried as I read some of your private emails. Many of you have emailed me--unable to comment on my posts for personal reasons--but open that you too are in the same place as I am.

And in a true effort to seek resolution, I went to "church" on Sunday. But this was hardly what I would classify as church...rather a community...a family...of Christ-followers. They were united only by love and acceptance, they were open and kind, they were....dare I say it...real.

So now? I wish I could say that the switch has been flipped and I have erased my stereotype and made peace with the institutions of church and Christianity....but I would be lying.

I can say that I have resolved that real exists...that not everyone who bears the "Christian" tag is fake...and that humility plays a role in my response.

For those of you who are reading, I know that this has become a topic of misguided conversation among some individuals. I knew going into this that my name would take on labels of all kinds...and I knew that those who would choose to label and make the choice to not see this as a journey would indeed prove my stereotype correct. I also know that this blog has opened up doors to conversations that are good, kind, real, hard, messy, curious, and unconventional....and for that...I consider myself blessed to learn from those who are searching for real as I am.

I still believe that churches are misguided, missing real--Christians, for the most part, are still fake....still engaged in a systematic religion instead of a liberating realization of God himself. Yet, I am learning to see a Christian as an individual on a journey...a process not my own...but nonetheless a process to be at the least, respected.

I think while I may have been on the road for resolution...I found something greater...the ability to hope in real again....and no, I am not a Christian...I am a Christ-follower.

Proof Presented by an Atheist

In the final moments of this project, I set on a search to find proof that churches and christians are different from the stereotype I hold. My search proved to be difficult to say the least, as I googled different phrases to find the positive contribution of the church or proof that christians by the masses live by the ideals they hang to--I was saddened that there was little to find. Either the marketing for churches and christians desperately needs to be changed...or the church and christians in America are lacking evidence of good.

But alas! Where there is a will---there is a way...and I did find an article that made me pause...made me think: "As an atheist, I truly believe Africa needs God" written by Matthew Parris http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/matthew_parris/article5400568.ece

In this article, Matthew Parris, a professed atheist makes a startling confession: "Now a confirmed atheist, I have become convinced of the enormous contribution that Christian evangelism makes in Africa: sharply distinct from the work of secular NGOs, government projects and international aid efforts. These alone will not do. Education and training alone will not do. In Africa, Christianity changes people hearts. It brings a spiritual transformation. The rebirth is real. The change is good."

Matthew Parris makes a startling discovery on his trip to Africa....he found the one thing I believe churches and Christians in America lack--the one thing I long for: "The Christians were always different. Far from having cowed or confined its converts, their faith appeared to have liberated and relaxed them. There was a liveliness, a curiousity, an engagement with the world--a directness in dealing with others---that seemed to be missing in traditional African life....Whenever we entered a territory worked by missionaries we had to acknowledge that something changed in the faces of the people we spoke to: something in their eyes, the way they approached you direct man to man, without looking down or away. They had not become deferential towards strangers--in some ways less so--but more so."

HELLO PEOPLE!!! This is it!! This is why I stereotype churches and christians in America....because churches talk about this change....and do not produce it....and here it is in AFRICA!! Something is real--I want to dance inside...really? you mean REAL exists?....but it isn't churches...

Parris continues: "Christianity, post Reformation and post Luther, with its teaching of a direct personal two way link between the individual and God, and unmediated by the collective, and unsubordinate to any other human being....it offers something to hold on to to those anxious to cast off a crushing tribal groupthink. That is why and how it liberates....And I am afraid that ...removing christian evangelism from the African equation may leave the continent of the malign fusion of Nike, the witch doctor, the mobile phone and the machete."

Somthing is real...I know I have seen it as Parris has...but as Parris reflects...it isn't found in churches. It is found among people who are changed. Those who are real--you see it in their eyes. You know you are around someone who is different from the rest, you may not be able to put your finger on why or how...but you know in your gut...the person is different from others. And this differences liberates...frees...and creates strong individuals. Something I have yet to see in church....but I know I have seen in the eyes of those on this journey with me...something I pray people see in me.

I was looking for contribution of churches and christianity that made me do a double take on my stereotype....instead I found that the contribution that matters is the one made by those who found God...not religion.

Read the Label

Labels in life can be quite helpful....they tell us when the milk has gone bad...what clothes to wash together....how much fat we are consuming in any given serving....what the content of the movie or music we are about to let our kids watch/listen...labels in and of themselves are not bad things.

But, the longer I am on this journey of unlearning, the more I am seeing this identity of Church/Christians as a label that I have placed to help me define my hurt...to help me better identify those "I can play nice with and those I can't". I am often proud of the fact that I don't label people...I am friends with believers and nonbelievers alike, I have friends that are white, black, hispanic, italian, and a mix of everything, I have friends who are homosexual and heterosexual...my life is a beautiful compilation of people...all kinds of people. But the humbling truth is that I do place labels--I have labeled Christians and Church.

The problem with labels on people--no matter what label it is: white, black, democrat, republican, catholic, christian, muslim, atheist---is that human labels are built on assumptions. These assumptions are often built on our experience, pain, or teachings from the pain of those who influence our lives...or maybe a combination of all of these. Nonetheless, the assumptions are packaged as labels and used to define entire populations of people. This is what I have done.

I know that not all Christians and not all Churches are legalistic, religious, uncompassionate, or exclusive of people. I know that Christians are humans and churches are built by humans....and because of this they are inclined to digression at times. I know this...and yet...

Perhaps this label is a guard I place around my heart...around those I love the most. Maybe this label started out of a justified angst towards religion and the religious expression of Christ's love to people and has morphed into a personal arrogance born out of pain.

I know a few things for certain:
1. I am hungry for REAL. I mean life changing, consuming, overtaking REAL....I am tired of sitting in churches with half asleep people trudging through a service to go to lunch or occupying "their" pew because it is the "right thing to do".

2. The deeper I get in this search the more I recognize that as my love grows for God my tolerance of "religion" lessens....I prefer to sit among those who are searching for Him versus those who think they found Him, I want to feed the hungry, I want to encourage the hopeless, I want my children to not just know the bible stories or how to pray....I refuse to let them get caught up in the checklist of Christianity...rather I long for them to know that they can approach God and seek his face, ask him the hard questions and know him. I want them to know nothing of the "christian mask" or legalism.

3. The further I go in this search the more and more I am brought to one thought: I have much to learn about love. Love in its essence is humility...and without humility there is no real love. I can love the person who believes differently from me, I can love the sick and the hurting, I can love those who don't really love me....but I struggle loving Christians...and this breaks my heart.

Humility. Humility tells me that a Christian, right or wrong in rhetoric and attitude, is still a person walking a process....and the label placed by me is a false notion I have constructed to protect myself.

If I remove the label--will I get hurt? No, I know this well. I have learned that I can love someone from a distance, offer them grace and forgiveness, and not expose the very depths of my soul. I can take my pain to God and Him and I can work it out.

But removing labels are much like ripping band-aids off as a child. The anticipation of the pain is the worse part....but the air that hits the wound is refreshing....

The Human Factor

Thank you to those of you who have responded to my posts. With each response, I am finding that I am fueled to discover the truth behind this stereotype.

Holly, you are right, I do know who I am. But I grew up knowing the prescribed system of church intimately. Even then I had a relationship with God, I knew Him...but as my dear friend 'figuregirl' reflected...I never felt good enough. This revelation has forced me to rethink this stereotype. I think I never felt good enough because the prescribed system of church is fearful of the human process and when I started engaging the human process...the system no longer fit and when what I had known so intimately no longer fit--I wasn't sure where to stand.

Let me explain, Webster's dictionary defines process as "a series of actions directed to some end, or continuous action or series of changes". (Prescribed) system is defined as "to lay down as a rule to be followed, an orderly method". I tell you this tidbit of information because this is how I see church--a prescribed system. Unfortunately, when I read the bible or engage in my life I find it to be more of a process than an orderly method.

When Christians and churches hide their struggles and present a picture of "all together" it doesn't help draw people to Christ...it excludes them. To be human is to live a process...the constantly changing continuous action of life....as a Christ follower I am living a human process with a spiritual end. That combination alone is bound to be messy.

When I search through the Bible I find that it is FILLED with human processes directed toward a spiritual end...every story of every individual is a story of a human process touched by the hand of God...is there anything messier than that?

Adam and Eve....huge process
Cain & Abel....another sad process
Noah....a process!! built the ark w/ dedication and faith beyond his human capacity ...then he ends up drunk and naked?!
Abraham and Sarah......children at 29 is a process...I can't imagine what kind of process was walked at 100!
Joseph---process: betrayal, falsely accused, forgiveness...huge human process
Moses--murder, outlaw to leader, to never seeing the promised land...HUGE process
David--adultery, murder, redemption....process
Esther---courageous woman willing to sacrifice...process
Job---lost everything to see God in the end...process
Daniel....learned to exercise faith within his actions against the grain of the popular system....huge process
Hosea...married to prostitute, learned to love like Christ...huge huge process
Peter--denial to redemption...process
Thomas...struggle with doubting to meet a God who values the process of the search!---process
Paul...God hater to follower of Christ....process
John, Mary mother of Christ, Mary Magdalene, Matthew....and the list goes on and on and on of the human process touched by a living God....

So....while I can see the fear situated in a Christian calling attention or allowing their sins or processes to be seen....God felt it was pertinent enough to include the human process of these people in the Bible.....

and this is the root of the prejudice I hold...the human process is necessary but I feel like the church prefers to circumvent the process...pretend it doesn't exist or shouldn't exist when you are a Christian. The problem I have with that is that the closer I draw to the search the more continuous changes or processes I find....and when I don't fit into the prescribed system of church because the process that comes in knowing God...I feel as if I have failed, as if I am not good enough....so then I am left with two choices...choke it up, pretend as if it doesn't exist...or muddle through the very messy process often times alone....

I am now at a place in this search where I am good with knowing I am a human individual walking a human process with a spiritual end. The God I know honors the messy, dirty, human search for Him. Part of my process is as my friend Anna commented...learning to forgive Christians. This is something I am truly thankful for, that Jesus...He had a process too. We see it in the garden before his death...and we are reminded of this in Hebrews 4: 15-16...He understands PROCESS...and while the Church as a whole may be scared of the human messiness and what it communicates to the world about faith....I believe that it is IN the human process that God is made REAL...so to those of who are searching as I am, I applaud you....here's to the search! 2 Chronicles 30:18-20.

Remembering How I Got Here.........

I know what pain I have felt to bring about these opinions. I know what situations evoke the mentally presumptuous responses I now own. But I started to wonder what thought processes did I mentally wander through to get me here? I know it has been a long journey, one that is intermittent and consistent all at the same time. As I was digging, I came across some journal entries I wrote during different times of this process.

Written during a time of wondering why it seems everything within the church comes to a point where a is Christian trying to argue their position of Christ? Their doctrine? Their conviction? The passionately felt "I am right, you are wrong" staunch. I remember writing this after reflecting on some lectures I was privileged to listen to and the listeners were a mixed populations and the topics were uncomfortable hot topics with in the church both political and philosophical and spiritual--all human topics. The picture that grew from this moment was the non Christians, the unbelieving took in what was being said, said nothing and processed it with an open mind. Curiously, the lecturer's opinions did not shape their thoughts necessarily but rather, they considered what was being said, respected the individual who was saying it and chose to filter what needed to be filtered and in respect, disagreed. The Christians in the room went full force in attack mode. Not only did they passionately admonish what was being said, they argued and worked to convince the lecturer. Almost as if fear of not attacking would mean something just as devastating as listening or showing human respect to the false notions. This brought back memories of my early college years at that small bible colleges...rooms were divided on doctrine stances....

I read the story of Daniel, verse 3:16 stood out and haunted me....here was the resulting entry from this process:

"Why is it that as people of faith we find the great need to discourse our beliefs and reasons for belief before the unbelieving? Why do we feel a great need to prove our God, to defend Him?
Over the years we have traded our upper rooms for the tallest steeples, the intimacy of small bands of followers united only by Christ for the stamp of doctrine and a list of mandates that go with it--known as religion. We celebrate the length of a prayer rather than the truth of immediate obedience, and as a body we separate because of menial differences and squabbles rather than unify under the love of Christ.
Those three men knew that no words would be clear enough to defend their actions or their God and what's more...they trusted God for the outcome of their onlookers. They remembered their smallness next to a big God. I am starting to know in my spirit that as Christians and Churches in this Nation...we have forgotten these things....."

This was the beginning of my separation.

And this...this was written in the middle of it....

"I have a confession to make. I shutter at the thought of telling people I am a Christian. When people ask, my mind starts racing and I bumble through and 'yes...no...I mean yes...just not like you think...I mean yes...I am not religious...I am a Christ follower...' falls out of my mouth. I get the deer in headlights look...usually followed by a very confused 'uh, OK' and I stand before them knowing there is really no redeeming whatever damage I had just done... Why must this process be so lonely...and if I know in my heart what I am not ...what am I?

And now? This is the beginning of the end of this process......

Good Girl Gone Bad?

Before the judgment starts I would like to share some history with you….then after you read…by all means…judge away.

Here is me….yep, I am the one with the mullet in the flowery dress…got to LOVE the 80s. None the less, a picture perfect family right? My father was a Pastor of a Baptist church during my upbringing. My beautiful mother was his right hand. We lived at church it seems, I remember being there every moment the doors were open. We loved, loved the people in the church. I grew up knowing that God loved me, knowing that the impossible was possible with Him, I craved a wild unknown and a fierce challenge. As I grew my heart grew restless, but I believe God knew that then and now…and I believe that it was with purpose.

Here is me now in a photo shoot taken recently by the brilliant photographer, Danae Henderson. Yep, that's me….a far cry from the little preacher's daughter on the front row. Those who know me well will tell you it actually isn't that far of a stretch. So who am I now? That fiery heart still beats loudly in my chest, I still adore a great challenge, I still grow restless with tradition and convention, I still know God. Yet…do not ever classify me as a 'Christian'. I am a proud follower of Christ. What's the difference you ask? In my mind…the difference is vast—and this difference is what has prompted this journey. Let me give you some history and catch you up to speed on me now….

History comes fast when looking back, yet it takes a lifetime to create. I grew up among Christians, I loved these people, I was a part of these people, I was hurt by these people. Growing up in the halls of a church, I learned real fast that there is a distinct way "to be" Christian, a mask of sorts. You put it on before engaging in Church activities: Sunday best, filling up time teaching, volunteering at the church, always answering "how are you?" with a smile and "GREAT!! (lie)" and speaking what I refer to as "Christian-ese" it is my wrongful categorization of religious rhetoric. I also learned that in this circle, it seems when your process is messy—your process is alone and judged. I have been heard saying, "Christians are the meanest people I have ever met." And the sad thing is, I mean it. I believe that with all of my heart. In my experience with churches it is Christian's who gossip, hurt, argue, maliciously exclude and judge, throw convention in the face of a human walking through a process and when it gets too messy, when the other Christians may think that one of their own doesn't have it all together…they bail.

During my early years of college I went to a small bible college. The restless feeling I felt as a child grew as the years past. The convention, tradition, and steeped religion of my surroundings left me feeling suffocated. There had to be more to the God of the Universe than church?! During a messy time in my life my college roommate said something to me that I will never ever forget, "you never do anything small, you live big and loud, so your messes are big and loud." She doesn't know this, but that one statement shaped parts of me—haunted me really—I knew then to be a part of this group I had to live smaller.

It wasn't until years later that I began to readjust to that statement, to see it more as a compliment than a pain. Damn straight, I live loud and big…and yep…my messes are usually loud and big too…but that is because my God is loud and big….and I long for more than convention and religion, I want real.

So where does this leave me now? In the introduction of this blog I told you this was a project I am doing to address stereotypes I hold. I only hold one: Christians. I struggle in the deep recesses of my heart with this and as I type I urgently am aware of the compunctious emotions I have. I want to temper my words, to make them sting less, to put that mask back on and say..."sure, go ahead and believe what you want." But I can't do that. I am way beyond that. So here it is…Christians….I have a problem and want the problem to be gone. I struggle with the big steeple bound churches—I often wonder if Jesus were here would he attend? I struggle when I listen to a group of Christians talk about God because in my heart, I preconceive all Christians to be fake until proven otherwise, I believe that most Christians are following a religion, not a God as they profess. I know this because the times that I have gone to churches I have watched as car after car pull out of the parking lot at church with a hungry homeless man standing on the corner—just out of church and he goes hungry. I have sat in my car in the parking lot, counting the cars that go by this hungry man until I can no longer stand it…I hand him some cash. When I was younger, I waited tables, I hated waiting tables on Sunday—Christians right out of church would come into a slammed restaurant and gripe because there was a long wait and then leave a crappy tip with a salvation track. Thanks but no thanks. I want to know why? Why, if the church is here to be a safe haven for people, most people I know who are not Christians won't go because they feel 'uncomfortable' around the people? The check list and spiritual "ought to do's" are louder than life in the real world…I know them, I lived them…and personally, I think they are a bunch of crap. I have sat in circles with Christian women, shared my heart with them…MY struggle…to find it all but posted in the Church bulletin. When confronted to ask why, their response was "we shared it as a prayer request" or "we were worried about you and wanted to pray"….I learned quickly this was code for we were gossiping about you. I have watched as less than status quo people going through unattractive messes were tossed aside as if they did not matter. I have watched differences become vast canyons and political notions and jargon become calling cards of churches. What's more, I have walked out of lectures to watch a "preacher" on the front green surrounded by students as he mocks them, hurls insults, quoting scripture with fierce accuracy and twisting it in the same breath— He looks nothing like Christ and yet, he claims to carry his name so boldly, so proud…and this my Christian friends is what everyone else sees. An exaggerated version of what I see when I walk into a church…So like I said earlier, don't classify me as a Christian…I am not one of those. I am a Christ-follower.

I long for real, raw, truth…I know God and I know His voice…I am confident in my relationship with Him…but I still long for community of real people, real lives, Christ-followers. To be a Christ follower means that I answer to Him. I understand my life to a journey, a spiritual process. I take two steps forward, one step back at times. I believe in the Bible, God, Jesus, I believe in right and wrong. I believe in heaven and hell. I am not in any way shape or form religious, traditional or conventional. I am perfectly fine being a "messy" follower of Christ. I don't pretend to have it all together, I want to learn to love like crazy, I want to see people, every person, the way God sees them. I do not go to church; I am not part of a religion. I have no spiritual check list or ought to do's. I am free to be who God created me to be. I am free to be wild spirited and restless, I am free to wrestle with these unpopular truths in my heart to find resolution, I cuss like a sailor, I love to dance and laugh, I love, love, love rock music, I have failed more times than I have succeeded, I choose to do things because I love my God—not because a pastor tells me to do so or the church will "talk" about me. I am free to live. So good girl gone bad? Nah, good girl gone FREE….

So if I am so free…why bother? Well, there are people in my world that are Christians. I love these people dearly. I am acutely aware that now is the time I address this, the idea of a class project made it all the more easier. These people start speaking religion and I start shutting down. I make assumptions and critiques in a horrible attitude. I am wrong, I will fully admit that and that is why you are reading this….here it is raw, real, black and white…now that's it out here…I am asking you, dear friends, help me out. I invite you on this journey with me exploring some of these topics, memories, struggles…I want your feedback, your thoughts, your perspectives. I want to know I am wrong. I want to be proven wrong about Christians. Take note though…I am okay with messy, messy I will do, arguing I won't. I am giving you an open mind and heart there is no need to argue over it. In fact, arguing will only prove me right…just something to think about.

Let’s Face It….

Let the project begin.

Many of you who know me know I am a finishing up my degree as a returning student and I am about to embark on exciting new journeys. As with most Universities, they prefer the students who carry their alma mater to be well spoken, well rehearsed in all the philosophical, literary, scientific quandaries of the universe…or at the very least….speak intelligibly. That being said, I have to complete an 'Exit Course' to proceed with graduation, actually, I have to complete 3 of them total before that degree is mine and I am on to bigger and better things. After May 1^st, I have one more to go….

The series of blogs that will appear under this "Let's Face It…." Category is a requirement for this class. Not the blog specifically, but the areas I will be exploring in this blog and in some ways the publication itself is part of the requirement. This class is my Equity Class, a class based on stereotypes, "boxes" we put people in, creating diversity in communities, schools, and workplaces. We have delved into all things that make us truly uncomfortable with humanity and in this class—we are instructed to figure out WHY it makes us uncomfortable and then learn how to be comfortable. This class has required much research into mainstream marketing, research into legal protections and mishaps, and a massive amount of introspection—and lots and lots of writing….

My final project is titled, Let's Face It…(clever huh?) Any way, our instructions are simple: figure out what stereotype you hold against a group of people and force yourself into an environment to UNLEARN your preconceived notions. As if delving into our hypocritical psyche's were not enough…there's more…once we make the revelation of what the prejudice we hold is….we are to publicly, yes publicly, seek to relinquish the bias. This "creative portion" as it is so facetiously named is a portion of our grade and in short…it is us, individually, drawing attention to the very parts of us we all like to pretend we don't have…and then forcing us to come to resolution with it—by allowing other people to weigh in on this awkward admission.

So here it is…black and white I suppose…the beginning of my Let's Face It project "creative portion"….hardly creative if you ask me…more painfully exposing…but alas…I type.

I chose to look at the single most powerful stereotype I hold (hey-if I am gonna go down, I might as well go down in flames and find resolution in the process): Christians/churches. Yes, that's right—Christians and Churches--all one in the same in my minds' eye. I stereotype, hold prejudice, whatever the words we choose…this is where I am and I am okay with recognizing this.

I must embark on this journey for a grade and a diploma and to maintain that high honor seal on that diploma. However, I will readily admit that there is something deeper fueling this journey for me. That is why I figured to go full throttle and expose it head on. I know I am not the only person in this world who feels the way I do. And what's more…I am tired of feeling this way. I want to close this door. Before you begin to scroll through the entries, or commit to reading them there is a few things I want you to know:

1. My goal is not to hurt or cause dissension among people. I will readily admit…THIS IS MY ISSUE…
   
2. Knowing this, go ahead and know that my words cannot be attenuated in this process. They may offend, they may indeed hurt….I am only asking that you would see the process and if you feel compelled, share your process with me—misery loves company…but hearts seeking resolution love friends.
   
3. If you are looking for a fight over doctrine—you got the wrong project.
   

Now, why did I tag you here? Why did I invite you to be a part of this? Well, besides this fact this has to be public…I wanted to. I want your feedback, your thoughts, your story. If you see things differently, I want to hear it…I am in need of a brand new perspective.

I will try to post regularly over the next 2 weeks. I will post thoughts, struggles, feelings, and I promise they will be real. I am hesitant to share these things…but the computer screen offers a false sense of security and I am certain that it will enchant me to write more than my guarded heart intends.

All I am asking is that you read, you respond, and if you can be brutally honest as well…perhaps there is more to this than a project…