Good Girl Gone Bad?

Before the judgment starts I would like to share some history with you….then after you read…by all means…judge away.

Here is me….yep, I am the one with the mullet in the flowery dress…got to LOVE the 80s. None the less, a picture perfect family right? My father was a Pastor of a Baptist church during my upbringing. My beautiful mother was his right hand. We lived at church it seems, I remember being there every moment the doors were open. We loved, loved the people in the church. I grew up knowing that God loved me, knowing that the impossible was possible with Him, I craved a wild unknown and a fierce challenge. As I grew my heart grew restless, but I believe God knew that then and now…and I believe that it was with purpose.

Here is me now in a photo shoot taken recently by the brilliant photographer, Danae Henderson. Yep, that's me….a far cry from the little preacher's daughter on the front row. Those who know me well will tell you it actually isn't that far of a stretch. So who am I now? That fiery heart still beats loudly in my chest, I still adore a great challenge, I still grow restless with tradition and convention, I still know God. Yet…do not ever classify me as a 'Christian'. I am a proud follower of Christ. What's the difference you ask? In my mind…the difference is vast—and this difference is what has prompted this journey. Let me give you some history and catch you up to speed on me now….

History comes fast when looking back, yet it takes a lifetime to create. I grew up among Christians, I loved these people, I was a part of these people, I was hurt by these people. Growing up in the halls of a church, I learned real fast that there is a distinct way "to be" Christian, a mask of sorts. You put it on before engaging in Church activities: Sunday best, filling up time teaching, volunteering at the church, always answering "how are you?" with a smile and "GREAT!! (lie)" and speaking what I refer to as "Christian-ese" it is my wrongful categorization of religious rhetoric. I also learned that in this circle, it seems when your process is messy—your process is alone and judged. I have been heard saying, "Christians are the meanest people I have ever met." And the sad thing is, I mean it. I believe that with all of my heart. In my experience with churches it is Christian's who gossip, hurt, argue, maliciously exclude and judge, throw convention in the face of a human walking through a process and when it gets too messy, when the other Christians may think that one of their own doesn't have it all together…they bail.

During my early years of college I went to a small bible college. The restless feeling I felt as a child grew as the years past. The convention, tradition, and steeped religion of my surroundings left me feeling suffocated. There had to be more to the God of the Universe than church?! During a messy time in my life my college roommate said something to me that I will never ever forget, "you never do anything small, you live big and loud, so your messes are big and loud." She doesn't know this, but that one statement shaped parts of me—haunted me really—I knew then to be a part of this group I had to live smaller.

It wasn't until years later that I began to readjust to that statement, to see it more as a compliment than a pain. Damn straight, I live loud and big…and yep…my messes are usually loud and big too…but that is because my God is loud and big….and I long for more than convention and religion, I want real.

So where does this leave me now? In the introduction of this blog I told you this was a project I am doing to address stereotypes I hold. I only hold one: Christians. I struggle in the deep recesses of my heart with this and as I type I urgently am aware of the compunctious emotions I have. I want to temper my words, to make them sting less, to put that mask back on and say..."sure, go ahead and believe what you want." But I can't do that. I am way beyond that. So here it is…Christians….I have a problem and want the problem to be gone. I struggle with the big steeple bound churches—I often wonder if Jesus were here would he attend? I struggle when I listen to a group of Christians talk about God because in my heart, I preconceive all Christians to be fake until proven otherwise, I believe that most Christians are following a religion, not a God as they profess. I know this because the times that I have gone to churches I have watched as car after car pull out of the parking lot at church with a hungry homeless man standing on the corner—just out of church and he goes hungry. I have sat in my car in the parking lot, counting the cars that go by this hungry man until I can no longer stand it…I hand him some cash. When I was younger, I waited tables, I hated waiting tables on Sunday—Christians right out of church would come into a slammed restaurant and gripe because there was a long wait and then leave a crappy tip with a salvation track. Thanks but no thanks. I want to know why? Why, if the church is here to be a safe haven for people, most people I know who are not Christians won't go because they feel 'uncomfortable' around the people? The check list and spiritual "ought to do's" are louder than life in the real world…I know them, I lived them…and personally, I think they are a bunch of crap. I have sat in circles with Christian women, shared my heart with them…MY struggle…to find it all but posted in the Church bulletin. When confronted to ask why, their response was "we shared it as a prayer request" or "we were worried about you and wanted to pray"….I learned quickly this was code for we were gossiping about you. I have watched as less than status quo people going through unattractive messes were tossed aside as if they did not matter. I have watched differences become vast canyons and political notions and jargon become calling cards of churches. What's more, I have walked out of lectures to watch a "preacher" on the front green surrounded by students as he mocks them, hurls insults, quoting scripture with fierce accuracy and twisting it in the same breath— He looks nothing like Christ and yet, he claims to carry his name so boldly, so proud…and this my Christian friends is what everyone else sees. An exaggerated version of what I see when I walk into a church…So like I said earlier, don't classify me as a Christian…I am not one of those. I am a Christ-follower.

I long for real, raw, truth…I know God and I know His voice…I am confident in my relationship with Him…but I still long for community of real people, real lives, Christ-followers. To be a Christ follower means that I answer to Him. I understand my life to a journey, a spiritual process. I take two steps forward, one step back at times. I believe in the Bible, God, Jesus, I believe in right and wrong. I believe in heaven and hell. I am not in any way shape or form religious, traditional or conventional. I am perfectly fine being a "messy" follower of Christ. I don't pretend to have it all together, I want to learn to love like crazy, I want to see people, every person, the way God sees them. I do not go to church; I am not part of a religion. I have no spiritual check list or ought to do's. I am free to be who God created me to be. I am free to be wild spirited and restless, I am free to wrestle with these unpopular truths in my heart to find resolution, I cuss like a sailor, I love to dance and laugh, I love, love, love rock music, I have failed more times than I have succeeded, I choose to do things because I love my God—not because a pastor tells me to do so or the church will "talk" about me. I am free to live. So good girl gone bad? Nah, good girl gone FREE….

So if I am so free…why bother? Well, there are people in my world that are Christians. I love these people dearly. I am acutely aware that now is the time I address this, the idea of a class project made it all the more easier. These people start speaking religion and I start shutting down. I make assumptions and critiques in a horrible attitude. I am wrong, I will fully admit that and that is why you are reading this….here it is raw, real, black and white…now that's it out here…I am asking you, dear friends, help me out. I invite you on this journey with me exploring some of these topics, memories, struggles…I want your feedback, your thoughts, your perspectives. I want to know I am wrong. I want to be proven wrong about Christians. Take note though…I am okay with messy, messy I will do, arguing I won't. I am giving you an open mind and heart there is no need to argue over it. In fact, arguing will only prove me right…just something to think about.