Full Steam Ahead....

For most New Years Eve is about looking back...remembering what was in the year past...good, bad, exciting, and toilsome. For whatever reason, I can't look back. It's not that I don't count my adventures in the year before to be valuable...but my heart does not lie in the previous year. My heart lies ahead, in the journey before me. Looking back, for me, occurs in a brief second before I move on. Some attribute this to a gypsy heart or an impatient mind...I attribute this to hope. No matter how realistic or cynical I become in my years I still believe in the ability to dream, to hope.

Like every hopeful person I have things I want to accomplish in the new year. Some time ago I quit making resolutions and changed my language to "goals" for the new year....inside I know it's the same thing, but the language is different and for whatever reason it's different. The word goal implies a working process, something not yet obtained. Resolution imply something that is already changed. No matter how much hope I have in the new year, I know I am not that resolute.

A new year before me offers a fresh start, a new beginning, a chapter in my life that is unwritten....moments to discover, emotions to feel, problems to solve, a new adventure waiting.....I love the feeling of new.

My goals for the new adventure that awaits me:

1. To enjoy the moments that I am in, in the present. (this tends to be difficult for us dreamers and future dwellers)

2. To laugh more (this, in part, requires my friends to be more funny) ;)

3. To take it step by step (again, something difficult for me...I tend to excel in taking it all on at once)

4. To listen for God's voice in my everyday (His voice tends to be quiet and easily missed. I long to hear it in my everyday experiences, daily to-do's)

5. To take time for myself...preferably at the gym (yes, this includes the ever so popular "lose weight"...but this is more than that. I tend to work non-stop and never take a break...I need to break more)

6. Start a dream journal (not a journal filled with my night-time dreams, but the dreams in my soul that keep me awake at night....I need to write these downs, maybe I will do that here...maybe not)

7. Dream irresponsibly. (Because not dreaming seems more irresponsible)

8. Dance, sing, and smile...just because I can.

9. Look for true beauty in the moment

10. Live the life I dream about...be the person I admire....love the way God does (I will spend the rest of my life trying to achieve this one)

So here's to 2011! Full steam ahead.

are we there yet?

Right about now is the time of the semester that my motivation wanes and I begin to sound like the 4 year old in the back of the car on the longest road trip ever..."are we there yet?"..."are we there, now?"..."uuuggghh, how about now?"

Routinely, the answer I get in return is..."not yet".

Not fair. Three more finals to go and my neurons are already moving on to the next big adventure. I am over this semester.

This morning in the shower I was contemplating this trait of mine...to be over a task before the task is over...(no judging, yes, I do all of my best thinking in the shower, I don't have a good reason why--so if I ever say, "This morning I was in the shower, and I thought of you..."--don't get excited...its just quiet and I was probably making my shopping list at the same time....moving right along...

So back to this issue of mine. Inpatient? Maybe. Short attention span? Probably. Bored? Most definitely.

My thoughts wound their way around till I got to this place...it is in these moments that God reminds me that I am just not there yet. In these moments God reminds me it is process and accomplishments, both professional and spiritual, are made in small moments.

UGH. yep. that's my response. at least initially it was. a big huge fat...UUGH. in response to my God given revelation (just being honest).

With shampoo in my hair my brain kept firing away at this question...is it normal to be over a task before the task is over? I rolled this question around in my head. By this time my daughter has her nose pushed against the shower door saying, "good morning mama! I can see you!" This announcement shook me back to reality, although I was still pouting.

"but I want to be there!" my soul whined, complete with a foot stomp...."not yet" God replied. I was considering a full out temper tantrum when...

like a sound of the hallelujah chorus in my bathroom, the question bounced around my skull..."once I am there, will I be there? will I be done?"

I wanted to hop out of the shower and run into the kitchen and announce my revelation...but alas, I was still standing there with soap in my hair because I had gotten sidetracked...the story of my life. So I rinsed and finished up and got out of the shower content with my answer.

Simply put, "no"....I am not there yet. Because moments like this all I can see is the end of my semester and the dreams that only exist in my minds eye...but when I finish this semester, there will be another one. And when I finish that one, graduate school awaits me. And when I finish that....the adventure continues. The point my brain rested on was this...."no, when I get there, I will not be there. I will not be done because there will be another destination behind it." 

So, with that....I will keep on...because, quite frankly: I am just not there yet. In so many areas. 

superwoman is a myth.....right?

I am sitting at my computer, getting ready to study for finals. I look around and the laundry is mounting up, the floor needs to be mopped, Christmas tree has lights--I haven't gotten around to the decorations yet. Things are tossed around, evidence of a family in a hurry. 

Sometimes I wonder if Superwoman really exists. As little girls we are told we can do everything and anything...but they don't tell us how hard it is going to be to do it all. My family helps--everyone pitches in. But still, that balance...that zen....everything has its place, every place has its thing--its non existent. No matter how liberated I feel I am as a woman, something inside me cringes when I see my husband searching through the endless laundry basket looking for a matching sock, or my daughter reminds me that I forgot to pack her a snack for school....again. 

They never tell you about the struggle of balance. The constant give and take, that somethings take a lower priority--like folding laundry Monday through Friday. I remember growing up my mom would have the house clean and her makeup on fresh before dad got home. That makes me laugh just thinking about it.....seriously? The scene now is shuffling kids from car to car, trying to make it to ballet from gymnastics carrying my work bag with reviews to work through outside the dance studio while he is at home working through second grade homework and starting dinner. Survival is the name of the game, and in this world it takes two. 

So if I know that working in tandem with my guy is the best case scenario--the closest idea of perfection that one can get to in this world--why do I feel so guilty that my house is trashed and I am holed up in my office working? I feel almost as if history has warped the view of femininity and this generation of women who seek to do it all and be it all are trying desperately to unravel what was tangled before us. Our grandmothers were stay-at home mom's and perfect housewives--our mothers were working mom's with latchkey kids, and we are somewhere in between--trying to mold the two scenes into reality. Does it exist--The perfect homeroom mom, whose house is clean, car is clean, life is organized, laundry folded and put away, whose career is skyrocketing pass the glass ceiling, and whose family life is well-functioning? 

..........Does superwoman exist?