Remembering How I Got Here.........

I know what pain I have felt to bring about these opinions. I know what situations evoke the mentally presumptuous responses I now own. But I started to wonder what thought processes did I mentally wander through to get me here? I know it has been a long journey, one that is intermittent and consistent all at the same time. As I was digging, I came across some journal entries I wrote during different times of this process.

Written during a time of wondering why it seems everything within the church comes to a point where a is Christian trying to argue their position of Christ? Their doctrine? Their conviction? The passionately felt "I am right, you are wrong" staunch. I remember writing this after reflecting on some lectures I was privileged to listen to and the listeners were a mixed populations and the topics were uncomfortable hot topics with in the church both political and philosophical and spiritual--all human topics. The picture that grew from this moment was the non Christians, the unbelieving took in what was being said, said nothing and processed it with an open mind. Curiously, the lecturer's opinions did not shape their thoughts necessarily but rather, they considered what was being said, respected the individual who was saying it and chose to filter what needed to be filtered and in respect, disagreed. The Christians in the room went full force in attack mode. Not only did they passionately admonish what was being said, they argued and worked to convince the lecturer. Almost as if fear of not attacking would mean something just as devastating as listening or showing human respect to the false notions. This brought back memories of my early college years at that small bible colleges...rooms were divided on doctrine stances....

I read the story of Daniel, verse 3:16 stood out and haunted me....here was the resulting entry from this process:

"Why is it that as people of faith we find the great need to discourse our beliefs and reasons for belief before the unbelieving? Why do we feel a great need to prove our God, to defend Him?
Over the years we have traded our upper rooms for the tallest steeples, the intimacy of small bands of followers united only by Christ for the stamp of doctrine and a list of mandates that go with it--known as religion. We celebrate the length of a prayer rather than the truth of immediate obedience, and as a body we separate because of menial differences and squabbles rather than unify under the love of Christ.
Those three men knew that no words would be clear enough to defend their actions or their God and what's more...they trusted God for the outcome of their onlookers. They remembered their smallness next to a big God. I am starting to know in my spirit that as Christians and Churches in this Nation...we have forgotten these things....."

This was the beginning of my separation.

And this...this was written in the middle of it....

"I have a confession to make. I shutter at the thought of telling people I am a Christian. When people ask, my mind starts racing and I bumble through and 'yes...no...I mean yes...just not like you think...I mean yes...I am not religious...I am a Christ follower...' falls out of my mouth. I get the deer in headlights look...usually followed by a very confused 'uh, OK' and I stand before them knowing there is really no redeeming whatever damage I had just done... Why must this process be so lonely...and if I know in my heart what I am not ...what am I?

And now? This is the beginning of the end of this process......