are we there yet?

Right about now is the time of the semester that my motivation wanes and I begin to sound like the 4 year old in the back of the car on the longest road trip ever..."are we there yet?"..."are we there, now?"..."uuuggghh, how about now?"

Routinely, the answer I get in return is..."not yet".

Not fair. Three more finals to go and my neurons are already moving on to the next big adventure. I am over this semester.

This morning in the shower I was contemplating this trait of mine...to be over a task before the task is over...(no judging, yes, I do all of my best thinking in the shower, I don't have a good reason why--so if I ever say, "This morning I was in the shower, and I thought of you..."--don't get excited...its just quiet and I was probably making my shopping list at the same time....moving right along...

So back to this issue of mine. Inpatient? Maybe. Short attention span? Probably. Bored? Most definitely.

My thoughts wound their way around till I got to this place...it is in these moments that God reminds me that I am just not there yet. In these moments God reminds me it is process and accomplishments, both professional and spiritual, are made in small moments.

UGH. yep. that's my response. at least initially it was. a big huge fat...UUGH. in response to my God given revelation (just being honest).

With shampoo in my hair my brain kept firing away at this question...is it normal to be over a task before the task is over? I rolled this question around in my head. By this time my daughter has her nose pushed against the shower door saying, "good morning mama! I can see you!" This announcement shook me back to reality, although I was still pouting.

"but I want to be there!" my soul whined, complete with a foot stomp...."not yet" God replied. I was considering a full out temper tantrum when...

like a sound of the hallelujah chorus in my bathroom, the question bounced around my skull..."once I am there, will I be there? will I be done?"

I wanted to hop out of the shower and run into the kitchen and announce my revelation...but alas, I was still standing there with soap in my hair because I had gotten sidetracked...the story of my life. So I rinsed and finished up and got out of the shower content with my answer.

Simply put, "no"....I am not there yet. Because moments like this all I can see is the end of my semester and the dreams that only exist in my minds eye...but when I finish this semester, there will be another one. And when I finish that one, graduate school awaits me. And when I finish that....the adventure continues. The point my brain rested on was this...."no, when I get there, I will not be there. I will not be done because there will be another destination behind it." 

So, with that....I will keep on...because, quite frankly: I am just not there yet. In so many areas. 

superwoman is a myth.....right?

I am sitting at my computer, getting ready to study for finals. I look around and the laundry is mounting up, the floor needs to be mopped, Christmas tree has lights--I haven't gotten around to the decorations yet. Things are tossed around, evidence of a family in a hurry. 

Sometimes I wonder if Superwoman really exists. As little girls we are told we can do everything and anything...but they don't tell us how hard it is going to be to do it all. My family helps--everyone pitches in. But still, that balance...that zen....everything has its place, every place has its thing--its non existent. No matter how liberated I feel I am as a woman, something inside me cringes when I see my husband searching through the endless laundry basket looking for a matching sock, or my daughter reminds me that I forgot to pack her a snack for school....again. 

They never tell you about the struggle of balance. The constant give and take, that somethings take a lower priority--like folding laundry Monday through Friday. I remember growing up my mom would have the house clean and her makeup on fresh before dad got home. That makes me laugh just thinking about it.....seriously? The scene now is shuffling kids from car to car, trying to make it to ballet from gymnastics carrying my work bag with reviews to work through outside the dance studio while he is at home working through second grade homework and starting dinner. Survival is the name of the game, and in this world it takes two. 

So if I know that working in tandem with my guy is the best case scenario--the closest idea of perfection that one can get to in this world--why do I feel so guilty that my house is trashed and I am holed up in my office working? I feel almost as if history has warped the view of femininity and this generation of women who seek to do it all and be it all are trying desperately to unravel what was tangled before us. Our grandmothers were stay-at home mom's and perfect housewives--our mothers were working mom's with latchkey kids, and we are somewhere in between--trying to mold the two scenes into reality. Does it exist--The perfect homeroom mom, whose house is clean, car is clean, life is organized, laundry folded and put away, whose career is skyrocketing pass the glass ceiling, and whose family life is well-functioning? 

..........Does superwoman exist? 

Count Your Blessings...

When I was younger and I would start to complain my Dad would always say, "count your blessings, name them one by one...you will see how much you have." Now that I am older I am overwhelmed by the intensity of the gifts that surround me...my heart feels as if it may explode with gratitude for all of the blessings I enjoy, that I don't necessarily deserve. 

Like my husband...my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my constant, my safe spot in this world. He is an amazing partner in life and an amazing father to our girls. My two daughters fill my life and heart with a joy unspeakable..they challenge me, grow me, and force me to slow down and realize this moment is fleeting. My home...small and humble, and at times cramped...but warm and inviting, sturdy and mine. My sister who constantly reminds me of God's creativity and sense of adventure--she makes me laugh and gets my incomplete sentences and my need for Starbucks. My brother, he's always good for a common sense talk that brings back to the atmosphere. My sweet friend, she's always good for a kick in the butt if needed and a glass of Sangria...and she doesn't mind it when I totally interrupt her mid-sentence, and understands that I am a tad bit moody. My life as a student...I am blessed beyond compare to wake up every morning and pursue the life God created me to live...I am constantly challenged and encouraged by those in academics who have pushed me to grow and exceed my own expectations, for this my heart is humbled. My list goes on and on...family and friends, opportunities and challenges alike...

My life is filled with people who love me, who look at me and see the best in me. I am humbled at the overwhelming gifts in my life...the amazing people who allow me to sit front row in their life, who allow me to play a role in their story...each of you are the greatest gifts...

There's Using...Then There's Abusing

The ethics of America. A new article on the usage of stimulants was released today--but not the usage by ADHD diagnosed, rather the usage by non ADHD individuals looking to amp up their brain function.

The thinking behind this idea is simple: if stimulant meds allow a person with ADD/ADHD to operate "normal" then they should allow a "normal" person to be superhuman. Some are asking, "Is performance enhancement restricted only to practice makes perfect?"

We live in a nation of convenience. The easier, the faster, the less personal sacrificed required--the better the idea. We have built empires on quick and easy. Why wouldn't our pharmaceutical companies pick up on this? If they hadn't I would suggest they create a better research/marketing team...but alas...they have indeed followed our hunger for convenience. So it makes sense that we would consider making Adderall cocktails available for those looking to be superhuman. Drugs like this line the pockets of pharmaceutical fat cats and we believe we can fly. Seems like a win-win. Or is it?

Can we manipulate science to enhance what is not maladaptive? Should we even try?

(Read article at: http://bigthink.com/ideas/24201 by Max Miller)

ADHD Awareness Week

I received an email earlier this week announcing this week was "ADHD awareness week". The email encouraged me to "celebrate my ADHD and find someone to educate about ADHD". As I was reading this email I was driving down the interstate at warp speed because I was late. Not late because I overslept..late because as I woke up so early that I just knew I had plenty of time to edit that paper before leaving, check my email, and load the dishwasher...turns out I didn't, and then I couldn't find my keys....

Celebrate my ADHD. I almost laughed, well...that shouldn't be too difficult.

I told my oldest daughter, C (who is also ADHD) and she responded...are we supposed to wear a ribbon? you know, if I celebrate my ADHD at school....the principle might call you....Nevermind. This sent me into a deep thought process....do we have a ribbon? if we did have a ribbon, could we commit long-term to a color? Would people know what the ribbon was for? If I wore the ribbon would I get those tilted heads that said "oh..I am so sorry, that must be so difficult"?

Turns out...us ADHD people are represented by a color--the color orange. Why orange? Beats me.
Orange is the color of construction zones, prison jump suits, and caution flags. The ribbon is shared with animal protection awareness and self-injury awareness among others. According to google search for the meaning of the color of orange it means: vitality with endurance and the color stimulates appetite and energy....hmmm...interesting.

So in honor of those ADHD brains out there...here's to you: (and for those of you who are not ADHD...read and be amazed....)

*Huh? or I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.... are frequent phrases you say
* you really hate talking on the phone because it is way to easy for you to lose the conversation and to actually listen takes too much effort
* you get out of the shower and you aren't sure if you actually washed your hair
* you make a phone call...and before the other person answers...you forget who your calling and why
* you show up at your doctor's appointment on time (you are so proud)---only for the receptionist to tell you the appointment is tomorrow...or worse it was yesterday and you missed it
* You write post-it notes...and you loose post-it notes.
* Your kid asks for juice or a snack three times before they give up and gets it themselves. In your defense...you have walked into the kitchen all 3 times to get what they want---only to forget why you are in there and turn around and leave
* You sit in your college class, listening to your professor and find yourself counting how many times he/she says "okay"--literally keeping count on your paper instead of taking notes
* You are talking to your spouse, parent, friend and right in the middle of your sentence you just.................
* Your drying machine makes the same sound every time it finishes drying...and every time you think, "ice cream truck!"
* The very nature of housework goes against every fiber of your entire being...but you operate best when everything has its place---ironic
*Even though your diagnosed ADHD...you secretly think that it's everyone else who is a little "off"---I mean really, who wants to be "normal"?
* You feel like you embody irony in every sense of the word: you are outgoing--yet shy, you are a risk taker--yet insecure, you talk too much---but don't say nearly everything on your mind (for fear of what people would say), you have huge dreams---but details drag you down
* You think in terms of linked thoughts...one thought leading you to another...to another...to another...and none of them are particularly related...except for that one word
* There is a person that you see frequently and for the life of you--you can't remember their name...so you wait for someone else to call it and you just avoid it calling it until then. (ADHDers...you know you do this)

I could go on...but I will save it for another post. Just know, although I don't have a ribbon...I am letting my ADHD flag fly with pride. And for those who aren't ADHD...yeah...we think we're cooler than you.

The Flip Side of ADHD

It is no secret that I am a lab rat. I love the process of research. Given a topic of interest my curiosity races ahead of me and I become a hermit. I pull information from scholar search banks, published journals, and the most random remote areas to piece together a puzzle--then I get to go out and test my idea. I get to ask the question: am I wrong? Absolute thrill of a lifetime is to find out that I am indeed right...or...that I am wrong and I have discovered something entirely new. Ooooh to be that researcher!

ADHD, attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder, is a one of my research passions. I do not share the opinion of most of my clinical counterparts that every part of this "disorder" is evil. I know the stats, the data, the life outcomes, the information on medication, performance, scholastic achievement, depression and overall impairments of ADHD. I live behind stacks of studies on my desk detailing every one of these impairments. Yet, I still believe that ADHD can be a conduit of many, many advantages: Creativity, risk taking, ingenuity, charisma, perseverance, hyper-focus, resilience, observant, the ability to make complex ideas simple, the ability to piece together fast moving theories and multi-task like nobody's business.

Why would I think this way? Especially considering the countless details of information that tell me otherwise. Because I am ADHD. And as an ADHD woman, mother, wife, student, and researcher, I have learned that there are countless ways to do things....and then there is a way that lends to creativity, perseverance, and multidimensional thinking...I prefer that way. I came across this article: ADD in the corner office: Five Top executives discovered that an LD can be a capitalist tool. This article shares the story of five execs who prove that limitations are often in the eye of beholder:

"If someone told me you could be normal or you could continue to have your ADD, I would take ADD....I'm afraid of taking drugs, blowing a circuit, and then being like the rest of you...I knew I had strengths that other people didn't have, and my parents reminded me of them when my teachers didn't seem them....I can distill complicated facts and come up with simple solutions. I can look out on a industry with all kinds of problems and say, 'How can I do this better?' My ADD brain naturally searches for better ways of doing things." (www.greatschools.org)

I am in the midst of my newest research endeavor. I am dreaming up constructs and methods of research. I am reading about all the ways those before me have tried. Statistics show that a child with ADHD is lucky to make it out of school without failing a grade--but my history tells me that a girl with undiagnosed ADHD can graduate in the top ten of her high school class, honors in college, and now what?? The sky is my only limit--regardless of the statistics.

Even with all of the challenges and the cross eyed looks I get when someone in my field finds out I am ADHD...given the chance to be normal or ADHD...I will take my ADHD any day of the week.

www.greatschools.org article quoted by: Louis Gilman, ADDitude Magazine