Final Thoughts....

This is my final entry for this project.

I started looking for resolution to a stereotype of churches and Christianity that I hold. A belief system that I operate from that tells me churches are institutions and Christians are fake. This has been a two week journey....I have walked down memory lane, traveled into forgiveness, anger, explored humility, sought a common ground in the Bible....I looked for proof in the mainstream that something...anything really that told me my stereotype was wrong, I found encouragement from an atheist, and I cried as I read some of your private emails. Many of you have emailed me--unable to comment on my posts for personal reasons--but open that you too are in the same place as I am.

And in a true effort to seek resolution, I went to "church" on Sunday. But this was hardly what I would classify as church...rather a community...a family...of Christ-followers. They were united only by love and acceptance, they were open and kind, they were....dare I say it...real.

So now? I wish I could say that the switch has been flipped and I have erased my stereotype and made peace with the institutions of church and Christianity....but I would be lying.

I can say that I have resolved that real exists...that not everyone who bears the "Christian" tag is fake...and that humility plays a role in my response.

For those of you who are reading, I know that this has become a topic of misguided conversation among some individuals. I knew going into this that my name would take on labels of all kinds...and I knew that those who would choose to label and make the choice to not see this as a journey would indeed prove my stereotype correct. I also know that this blog has opened up doors to conversations that are good, kind, real, hard, messy, curious, and unconventional....and for that...I consider myself blessed to learn from those who are searching for real as I am.

I still believe that churches are misguided, missing real--Christians, for the most part, are still fake....still engaged in a systematic religion instead of a liberating realization of God himself. Yet, I am learning to see a Christian as an individual on a journey...a process not my own...but nonetheless a process to be at the least, respected.

I think while I may have been on the road for resolution...I found something greater...the ability to hope in real again....and no, I am not a Christian...I am a Christ-follower.

Proof Presented by an Atheist

In the final moments of this project, I set on a search to find proof that churches and christians are different from the stereotype I hold. My search proved to be difficult to say the least, as I googled different phrases to find the positive contribution of the church or proof that christians by the masses live by the ideals they hang to--I was saddened that there was little to find. Either the marketing for churches and christians desperately needs to be changed...or the church and christians in America are lacking evidence of good.

But alas! Where there is a will---there is a way...and I did find an article that made me pause...made me think: "As an atheist, I truly believe Africa needs God" written by Matthew Parris http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/comment/columnists/matthew_parris/article5400568.ece

In this article, Matthew Parris, a professed atheist makes a startling confession: "Now a confirmed atheist, I have become convinced of the enormous contribution that Christian evangelism makes in Africa: sharply distinct from the work of secular NGOs, government projects and international aid efforts. These alone will not do. Education and training alone will not do. In Africa, Christianity changes people hearts. It brings a spiritual transformation. The rebirth is real. The change is good."

Matthew Parris makes a startling discovery on his trip to Africa....he found the one thing I believe churches and Christians in America lack--the one thing I long for: "The Christians were always different. Far from having cowed or confined its converts, their faith appeared to have liberated and relaxed them. There was a liveliness, a curiousity, an engagement with the world--a directness in dealing with others---that seemed to be missing in traditional African life....Whenever we entered a territory worked by missionaries we had to acknowledge that something changed in the faces of the people we spoke to: something in their eyes, the way they approached you direct man to man, without looking down or away. They had not become deferential towards strangers--in some ways less so--but more so."

HELLO PEOPLE!!! This is it!! This is why I stereotype churches and christians in America....because churches talk about this change....and do not produce it....and here it is in AFRICA!! Something is real--I want to dance inside...really? you mean REAL exists?....but it isn't churches...

Parris continues: "Christianity, post Reformation and post Luther, with its teaching of a direct personal two way link between the individual and God, and unmediated by the collective, and unsubordinate to any other human being....it offers something to hold on to to those anxious to cast off a crushing tribal groupthink. That is why and how it liberates....And I am afraid that ...removing christian evangelism from the African equation may leave the continent of the malign fusion of Nike, the witch doctor, the mobile phone and the machete."

Somthing is real...I know I have seen it as Parris has...but as Parris reflects...it isn't found in churches. It is found among people who are changed. Those who are real--you see it in their eyes. You know you are around someone who is different from the rest, you may not be able to put your finger on why or how...but you know in your gut...the person is different from others. And this differences liberates...frees...and creates strong individuals. Something I have yet to see in church....but I know I have seen in the eyes of those on this journey with me...something I pray people see in me.

I was looking for contribution of churches and christianity that made me do a double take on my stereotype....instead I found that the contribution that matters is the one made by those who found God...not religion.

Read the Label

Labels in life can be quite helpful....they tell us when the milk has gone bad...what clothes to wash together....how much fat we are consuming in any given serving....what the content of the movie or music we are about to let our kids watch/listen...labels in and of themselves are not bad things.

But, the longer I am on this journey of unlearning, the more I am seeing this identity of Church/Christians as a label that I have placed to help me define my hurt...to help me better identify those "I can play nice with and those I can't". I am often proud of the fact that I don't label people...I am friends with believers and nonbelievers alike, I have friends that are white, black, hispanic, italian, and a mix of everything, I have friends who are homosexual and heterosexual...my life is a beautiful compilation of people...all kinds of people. But the humbling truth is that I do place labels--I have labeled Christians and Church.

The problem with labels on people--no matter what label it is: white, black, democrat, republican, catholic, christian, muslim, atheist---is that human labels are built on assumptions. These assumptions are often built on our experience, pain, or teachings from the pain of those who influence our lives...or maybe a combination of all of these. Nonetheless, the assumptions are packaged as labels and used to define entire populations of people. This is what I have done.

I know that not all Christians and not all Churches are legalistic, religious, uncompassionate, or exclusive of people. I know that Christians are humans and churches are built by humans....and because of this they are inclined to digression at times. I know this...and yet...

Perhaps this label is a guard I place around my heart...around those I love the most. Maybe this label started out of a justified angst towards religion and the religious expression of Christ's love to people and has morphed into a personal arrogance born out of pain.

I know a few things for certain:
1. I am hungry for REAL. I mean life changing, consuming, overtaking REAL....I am tired of sitting in churches with half asleep people trudging through a service to go to lunch or occupying "their" pew because it is the "right thing to do".

2. The deeper I get in this search the more I recognize that as my love grows for God my tolerance of "religion" lessens....I prefer to sit among those who are searching for Him versus those who think they found Him, I want to feed the hungry, I want to encourage the hopeless, I want my children to not just know the bible stories or how to pray....I refuse to let them get caught up in the checklist of Christianity...rather I long for them to know that they can approach God and seek his face, ask him the hard questions and know him. I want them to know nothing of the "christian mask" or legalism.

3. The further I go in this search the more and more I am brought to one thought: I have much to learn about love. Love in its essence is humility...and without humility there is no real love. I can love the person who believes differently from me, I can love the sick and the hurting, I can love those who don't really love me....but I struggle loving Christians...and this breaks my heart.

Humility. Humility tells me that a Christian, right or wrong in rhetoric and attitude, is still a person walking a process....and the label placed by me is a false notion I have constructed to protect myself.

If I remove the label--will I get hurt? No, I know this well. I have learned that I can love someone from a distance, offer them grace and forgiveness, and not expose the very depths of my soul. I can take my pain to God and Him and I can work it out.

But removing labels are much like ripping band-aids off as a child. The anticipation of the pain is the worse part....but the air that hits the wound is refreshing....

The Human Factor

Thank you to those of you who have responded to my posts. With each response, I am finding that I am fueled to discover the truth behind this stereotype.

Holly, you are right, I do know who I am. But I grew up knowing the prescribed system of church intimately. Even then I had a relationship with God, I knew Him...but as my dear friend 'figuregirl' reflected...I never felt good enough. This revelation has forced me to rethink this stereotype. I think I never felt good enough because the prescribed system of church is fearful of the human process and when I started engaging the human process...the system no longer fit and when what I had known so intimately no longer fit--I wasn't sure where to stand.

Let me explain, Webster's dictionary defines process as "a series of actions directed to some end, or continuous action or series of changes". (Prescribed) system is defined as "to lay down as a rule to be followed, an orderly method". I tell you this tidbit of information because this is how I see church--a prescribed system. Unfortunately, when I read the bible or engage in my life I find it to be more of a process than an orderly method.

When Christians and churches hide their struggles and present a picture of "all together" it doesn't help draw people to Christ...it excludes them. To be human is to live a process...the constantly changing continuous action of life....as a Christ follower I am living a human process with a spiritual end. That combination alone is bound to be messy.

When I search through the Bible I find that it is FILLED with human processes directed toward a spiritual end...every story of every individual is a story of a human process touched by the hand of God...is there anything messier than that?

Adam and Eve....huge process
Cain & Abel....another sad process
Noah....a process!! built the ark w/ dedication and faith beyond his human capacity ...then he ends up drunk and naked?!
Abraham and Sarah......children at 29 is a process...I can't imagine what kind of process was walked at 100!
Joseph---process: betrayal, falsely accused, forgiveness...huge human process
Moses--murder, outlaw to leader, to never seeing the promised land...HUGE process
David--adultery, murder, redemption....process
Esther---courageous woman willing to sacrifice...process
Job---lost everything to see God in the end...process
Daniel....learned to exercise faith within his actions against the grain of the popular system....huge process
Hosea...married to prostitute, learned to love like Christ...huge huge process
Peter--denial to redemption...process
Thomas...struggle with doubting to meet a God who values the process of the search!---process
Paul...God hater to follower of Christ....process
John, Mary mother of Christ, Mary Magdalene, Matthew....and the list goes on and on and on of the human process touched by a living God....

So....while I can see the fear situated in a Christian calling attention or allowing their sins or processes to be seen....God felt it was pertinent enough to include the human process of these people in the Bible.....

and this is the root of the prejudice I hold...the human process is necessary but I feel like the church prefers to circumvent the process...pretend it doesn't exist or shouldn't exist when you are a Christian. The problem I have with that is that the closer I draw to the search the more continuous changes or processes I find....and when I don't fit into the prescribed system of church because the process that comes in knowing God...I feel as if I have failed, as if I am not good enough....so then I am left with two choices...choke it up, pretend as if it doesn't exist...or muddle through the very messy process often times alone....

I am now at a place in this search where I am good with knowing I am a human individual walking a human process with a spiritual end. The God I know honors the messy, dirty, human search for Him. Part of my process is as my friend Anna commented...learning to forgive Christians. This is something I am truly thankful for, that Jesus...He had a process too. We see it in the garden before his death...and we are reminded of this in Hebrews 4: 15-16...He understands PROCESS...and while the Church as a whole may be scared of the human messiness and what it communicates to the world about faith....I believe that it is IN the human process that God is made REAL...so to those of who are searching as I am, I applaud you....here's to the search! 2 Chronicles 30:18-20.