The past 30...

Okay. I have finally come to grips with the idea that tomorrow I will be 3-0. I know, it's just a number, 30 is the new 20, you are only as young as you feel, 30 is a piece of cake....blah, blah, blah. I have heard it all.

I have had my bouts of emotional responses (crying mostly upon hearing songs that talk about getting old, my children growing up and leaving, or being young...so pretty much every country song), deep thinking about the past/future (oh my god, is that a gray hair?! and when did my rear end start to get that 'look'?!, oh no...do I sound like my mother???) , I have been up and down processing my way through this idea....30. It's really not that big of a deal, right? 

I have spent some time thinking about the past 30 years...and the next 30. I decided to make a list of things that I have learned over the last 30 years and things I want to accomplish in the next 30. I will save the goals for the next 30 for another blog. So what have I learned??? Here goes nothing....

What I have learned:

*money doesn’t grow on trees

*true love is more work than fantasy

*the more work you put into true love...the more fantasy you can have

*saying “yes ma’am/sir”, “thank you”, and “please” really does matter

*the things that are worth the most, require the most work

*some things are better left unsaid

*when you speak to someone about business, make sure you write down the name/time/and number of the person you spoke with

*routine maintenance is a MUST for every new toy you own

*pay extra for the extended warranty

*be extra kind

*you can say just about anything (and get away with it) when you smile

*walking away from an unnecessary argument is a sign of maturity

*send hand written thank you cards, it still says so much

*saying “i love you” can’t wait--and its always worth it

*trust is earned

*trust can be lost

*family dinners are important

*the way you dress says a lot about you

*God’s voice gets quieter when you refuse to listen to it

*saying “I’m sorry” is necessary

*true friendship is a rare find

*Ladies: If your showing off your cleavage--cover your legs, if you are showing off your legs, cover your girls up...otherwise, you look like a hooker

*there really isn’t anything constructive to do out past 11 o’clock

*being comfortable being yourself takes time

*life really is short

*I’m not invincible

*make promises you can keep

*you will never understand the love of a parent, until you are one

*this too shall pass

*never resort to praying...try it first

*popularity is over-rated

• when possible, learn by observation in life...experience usually costs a lot more

* it really isn't all about me, actually it isn't about me at all

Over your years, what have you learned?? 

Ava

This week I am home with Ava. She had her tonsils and adenoids taken out on Dec. 28th and her post-op orders are to stay home and drink fluids. She is doing well. She gets an extra week of Christmas vacation, so she is super excited about that.

I started this week with gusto, thinking I was going to accomplish grand things. I had a list organized by the importance of the task.

Let's just say....I am a tad bit distracted....

Instead of tackling my to-do list...I have constructed a town of littlest pet shops and dressed polly pockets....

Turns out...my to-do list can wait.....

Full Steam Ahead....

For most New Years Eve is about looking back...remembering what was in the year past...good, bad, exciting, and toilsome. For whatever reason, I can't look back. It's not that I don't count my adventures in the year before to be valuable...but my heart does not lie in the previous year. My heart lies ahead, in the journey before me. Looking back, for me, occurs in a brief second before I move on. Some attribute this to a gypsy heart or an impatient mind...I attribute this to hope. No matter how realistic or cynical I become in my years I still believe in the ability to dream, to hope.

Like every hopeful person I have things I want to accomplish in the new year. Some time ago I quit making resolutions and changed my language to "goals" for the new year....inside I know it's the same thing, but the language is different and for whatever reason it's different. The word goal implies a working process, something not yet obtained. Resolution imply something that is already changed. No matter how much hope I have in the new year, I know I am not that resolute.

A new year before me offers a fresh start, a new beginning, a chapter in my life that is unwritten....moments to discover, emotions to feel, problems to solve, a new adventure waiting.....I love the feeling of new.

My goals for the new adventure that awaits me:

1. To enjoy the moments that I am in, in the present. (this tends to be difficult for us dreamers and future dwellers)

2. To laugh more (this, in part, requires my friends to be more funny) ;)

3. To take it step by step (again, something difficult for me...I tend to excel in taking it all on at once)

4. To listen for God's voice in my everyday (His voice tends to be quiet and easily missed. I long to hear it in my everyday experiences, daily to-do's)

5. To take time for myself...preferably at the gym (yes, this includes the ever so popular "lose weight"...but this is more than that. I tend to work non-stop and never take a break...I need to break more)

6. Start a dream journal (not a journal filled with my night-time dreams, but the dreams in my soul that keep me awake at night....I need to write these downs, maybe I will do that here...maybe not)

7. Dream irresponsibly. (Because not dreaming seems more irresponsible)

8. Dance, sing, and smile...just because I can.

9. Look for true beauty in the moment

10. Live the life I dream about...be the person I admire....love the way God does (I will spend the rest of my life trying to achieve this one)

So here's to 2011! Full steam ahead.

superwoman is a myth.....right?

I am sitting at my computer, getting ready to study for finals. I look around and the laundry is mounting up, the floor needs to be mopped, Christmas tree has lights--I haven't gotten around to the decorations yet. Things are tossed around, evidence of a family in a hurry. 

Sometimes I wonder if Superwoman really exists. As little girls we are told we can do everything and anything...but they don't tell us how hard it is going to be to do it all. My family helps--everyone pitches in. But still, that balance...that zen....everything has its place, every place has its thing--its non existent. No matter how liberated I feel I am as a woman, something inside me cringes when I see my husband searching through the endless laundry basket looking for a matching sock, or my daughter reminds me that I forgot to pack her a snack for school....again. 

They never tell you about the struggle of balance. The constant give and take, that somethings take a lower priority--like folding laundry Monday through Friday. I remember growing up my mom would have the house clean and her makeup on fresh before dad got home. That makes me laugh just thinking about it.....seriously? The scene now is shuffling kids from car to car, trying to make it to ballet from gymnastics carrying my work bag with reviews to work through outside the dance studio while he is at home working through second grade homework and starting dinner. Survival is the name of the game, and in this world it takes two. 

So if I know that working in tandem with my guy is the best case scenario--the closest idea of perfection that one can get to in this world--why do I feel so guilty that my house is trashed and I am holed up in my office working? I feel almost as if history has warped the view of femininity and this generation of women who seek to do it all and be it all are trying desperately to unravel what was tangled before us. Our grandmothers were stay-at home mom's and perfect housewives--our mothers were working mom's with latchkey kids, and we are somewhere in between--trying to mold the two scenes into reality. Does it exist--The perfect homeroom mom, whose house is clean, car is clean, life is organized, laundry folded and put away, whose career is skyrocketing pass the glass ceiling, and whose family life is well-functioning? 

..........Does superwoman exist? 

Count Your Blessings...

When I was younger and I would start to complain my Dad would always say, "count your blessings, name them one by one...you will see how much you have." Now that I am older I am overwhelmed by the intensity of the gifts that surround me...my heart feels as if it may explode with gratitude for all of the blessings I enjoy, that I don't necessarily deserve. 

Like my husband...my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my constant, my safe spot in this world. He is an amazing partner in life and an amazing father to our girls. My two daughters fill my life and heart with a joy unspeakable..they challenge me, grow me, and force me to slow down and realize this moment is fleeting. My home...small and humble, and at times cramped...but warm and inviting, sturdy and mine. My sister who constantly reminds me of God's creativity and sense of adventure--she makes me laugh and gets my incomplete sentences and my need for Starbucks. My brother, he's always good for a common sense talk that brings back to the atmosphere. My sweet friend, she's always good for a kick in the butt if needed and a glass of Sangria...and she doesn't mind it when I totally interrupt her mid-sentence, and understands that I am a tad bit moody. My life as a student...I am blessed beyond compare to wake up every morning and pursue the life God created me to live...I am constantly challenged and encouraged by those in academics who have pushed me to grow and exceed my own expectations, for this my heart is humbled. My list goes on and on...family and friends, opportunities and challenges alike...

My life is filled with people who love me, who look at me and see the best in me. I am humbled at the overwhelming gifts in my life...the amazing people who allow me to sit front row in their life, who allow me to play a role in their story...each of you are the greatest gifts...

ADHD Awareness Week

I received an email earlier this week announcing this week was "ADHD awareness week". The email encouraged me to "celebrate my ADHD and find someone to educate about ADHD". As I was reading this email I was driving down the interstate at warp speed because I was late. Not late because I overslept..late because as I woke up so early that I just knew I had plenty of time to edit that paper before leaving, check my email, and load the dishwasher...turns out I didn't, and then I couldn't find my keys....

Celebrate my ADHD. I almost laughed, well...that shouldn't be too difficult.

I told my oldest daughter, C (who is also ADHD) and she responded...are we supposed to wear a ribbon? you know, if I celebrate my ADHD at school....the principle might call you....Nevermind. This sent me into a deep thought process....do we have a ribbon? if we did have a ribbon, could we commit long-term to a color? Would people know what the ribbon was for? If I wore the ribbon would I get those tilted heads that said "oh..I am so sorry, that must be so difficult"?

Turns out...us ADHD people are represented by a color--the color orange. Why orange? Beats me.
Orange is the color of construction zones, prison jump suits, and caution flags. The ribbon is shared with animal protection awareness and self-injury awareness among others. According to google search for the meaning of the color of orange it means: vitality with endurance and the color stimulates appetite and energy....hmmm...interesting.

So in honor of those ADHD brains out there...here's to you: (and for those of you who are not ADHD...read and be amazed....)

*Huh? or I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.... are frequent phrases you say
* you really hate talking on the phone because it is way to easy for you to lose the conversation and to actually listen takes too much effort
* you get out of the shower and you aren't sure if you actually washed your hair
* you make a phone call...and before the other person answers...you forget who your calling and why
* you show up at your doctor's appointment on time (you are so proud)---only for the receptionist to tell you the appointment is tomorrow...or worse it was yesterday and you missed it
* You write post-it notes...and you loose post-it notes.
* Your kid asks for juice or a snack three times before they give up and gets it themselves. In your defense...you have walked into the kitchen all 3 times to get what they want---only to forget why you are in there and turn around and leave
* You sit in your college class, listening to your professor and find yourself counting how many times he/she says "okay"--literally keeping count on your paper instead of taking notes
* You are talking to your spouse, parent, friend and right in the middle of your sentence you just.................
* Your drying machine makes the same sound every time it finishes drying...and every time you think, "ice cream truck!"
* The very nature of housework goes against every fiber of your entire being...but you operate best when everything has its place---ironic
*Even though your diagnosed ADHD...you secretly think that it's everyone else who is a little "off"---I mean really, who wants to be "normal"?
* You feel like you embody irony in every sense of the word: you are outgoing--yet shy, you are a risk taker--yet insecure, you talk too much---but don't say nearly everything on your mind (for fear of what people would say), you have huge dreams---but details drag you down
* You think in terms of linked thoughts...one thought leading you to another...to another...to another...and none of them are particularly related...except for that one word
* There is a person that you see frequently and for the life of you--you can't remember their name...so you wait for someone else to call it and you just avoid it calling it until then. (ADHDers...you know you do this)

I could go on...but I will save it for another post. Just know, although I don't have a ribbon...I am letting my ADHD flag fly with pride. And for those who aren't ADHD...yeah...we think we're cooler than you.

Does ACME gadgets have online ordering?

Process is my least favorite word in the English Language. Why? Because processes are often tedious and repetitious. Life is full of processes: relationships, growing up, parenthood, pregnancy, spiritual growth, financial/business growth, health, retirement. Processes are often one step forward--two steps back, rarely are they immediate and painless. They are not ever 100% engaging, 100% of the time...often there are stagnant moments that seem like boredom. However, the truth about processes is: that one can not accomplish anything of worth without walking through some kind of process.

Ironically, my favorite word in the English Language is Impossible. I long to achieve the impossible. I dream big and without boundaries. I can't function when I am not pursuing a large dream. Yet, no one can achieve the impossible without a process. I know this, and even still, I detest the red tape procedures, personal hang ups, and unyielding trial-and-error attempts that processes require...even if I know they can lead to greatness.

I would like to blame my intolerance of life processes on my ADHD. However, I know that it is probably more nurtured by my drive to dream. I was born to dream of the unknown. I approach every opportunity with a "this is going to be the one" attitude. I probably resemble the coyote...who, driven by his hunger to capture the roadrunner, approaches every ACME gadget with a sure-fire confidence. Only to run at top speed over the nearest cliff, hanging in the air for a moment to reflect in his failure, and then plummeting.

This week has been the fullest 5 days of life. I have started the last leg of a process that I started a while ago---almost done with my degree. I have been met with opportunities like no other--and I am honored to approach them with my famous "this might be the one" attitude. I have had victories and "super-woman" moments. But I have hit walls too. The kind that don't move or crumble upon impact. The kind that require more work, more sacrifice, more persistence, more resilience, more creativity, and more prayer. And the truth is...all the extra the barricades require, right now, I am not sure I have. I want to be done with the process.

It's funny. In the joy of pursuit of the impossible, the pain of the process is what is often remembered more than the taste of the success. Is this what pushes us dreamers towards the next dream? Or is this memory what allows us to appreciate the impossible all the more? Maybe the struggle is what makes the success so sweet?

Tonight I am the coyote...researching and placing my order for the next ACME gadget. The great thing is I am ADHD and by tomorrow my interest with the wall will have faded and I will know, just know, that this plan is the one that's gonna get my impossible. I will get up and get to work. That's what us coyotes do...

Let the Adventure Begin......

This blog was started as a school project--an attempt to get to those biases and prejudices we hide. The project was finished with the completion of the Spring 2010 semester (and for those of who are wondering...I got an A+). Thank you to those who walked that journey with me.

Now...I am moving on with a new journey. I have thought long and hard about the idea of blogging. In all honesty, I have zero time to keep up with this. And for those who know me well...I detest the idea of being vunerable to the mass majority. But...at the same time...I have thoughts swimming that need an exit point and at times my heart bubbles over with an enormous amount of joy and graditude that I need a way to express it all. So here it is. What started as a project to dig deeper will now become a window to my world. A new adventure begins...